Funny and rude 70th birthday cards for mums who don’t feel 70.

Don’t palm your 70-year-old mother off with a bog-standard birthday card. Give her one that’s different and she’s never seen before

Here’s Rusty Pencil’s hilarious selection of 28 cards that might do the trick. I’ve split my cards into dubious categories that might suit certain mums.

In a hurry? Jump to the cards:

The sarky cards

The disdainful cards

The forgetful cards

The moaning cards

The rude cards

Celebrate your mum’s 70th: take the piss out of her.

Try telling your mum that she looks and feels 70 and you’ll probably get a bop on the nose.

Despite appearances and stereotypes, mums get funnier and feistier with age. They love a good bit of banter and don’t mind a spot of self-deprecating humour.

Of course, they love a beautifully worded card every now and again. But sometimes a funny birthday card that’s straight to the point or outrageously blunt is just the thing for a 70-year-old mother.

What sort of 70th birthday card does your mum like? Hilarious? Witty? Rude?

Have a butchers at what’s on offer from Rusty Pencil.

The sarky range – for mums who appreciate a sharp tongue.

After 70 years on this planet your mum has honed her ability to spit out a piercing barb at the right time. She’s also able to take a sarky comment or two herself. Good old mum.

We can’t have a birthday card without a joke about being wrinkly, can we?

To Buy

The old hoe joke. Never fails to amuse.

To Buy

An old fart birthday card for an old fart. What 70-year-old woman doesn’t fart? Parp! Was that the dog?

To Buy

For mums who like cake and being sarky at parties.

To Buy

Those damn chin hairs. It happens to the best mums. A funny take on an age milestone card.

To Buy

When you’re 70, you have to make life easy for yourself.

To Buy

Keep fit mum! Eat well, exercise and keep those joints moving, otherwise it’s WD40 time!

To Buy

That’s the trouble with hair when you get older. It keeps popping up in unexpected places.

To Buy

With the accumulation of years comes the increase of candles. Is it hot in here?

To Buy

The disdain range – for mums who don’t put with sentimental crap.

Many birthday cards for 70-year-olds are sappy schmaltzy twaddle. Rusty Pencil doesn’t do sappy schmaltzy twaddle, and I’m certain your mother doesn’t either.

Let’s be honest. Let’s not give a shit.

To Buy

The excitement is underwhelming. It’s just another birthday, isn’t it?

To Buy

At some stage in one’s life, it’s gonna happen.

To Buy

Can you be bothered? Can your mum be bothered? Can anyone be bothered?

To Buy

Looking young at her age. The cheek of it.

To Buy

The forgetful range – for mums who know the reality of life.

Yep, things get a bit ragged when they age. The memory and muscles may fade but their sense of humour never does.  

Sometimes this can be very funny - and convenient.

To Buy

Too True. 70-year-olds need all the exercise they can get without getting lost.

To Buy

We’ve all been there, though it happens more often to the oldies.

To Buy

To be fair, you’ve probably done this in your teens.

To Buy

Yeah, why bother? Who cares anyway?

To Buy

The moaning range – for mums who love a good grumble about their health.

There’s a lot to be thankful for when reaching 70 years of age: being alive and kicking for a start.

But along with age comes the inevitable urge to moan about one’s aches and pains, and anything else for that matter. Ooo! My back!

A Rusty Pencil bestseller. No surprise. Pardon? I said... oh forget it.

To Buy

Another bestseller. What’s that clicking noise?

To Buy

So true. You can never teach an old dog new tricks, but they certainly need a hearing aid.

To Buy

You’re only as old as you feel. Bollocks. Ouch! Where are those pills?

To Buy

The rude range – for mums who love to use the F word.

By the time a mother has reached the age of 70 she’s developed a keen sense for saying as it is. Some cards she’ll appreciate. Fuck, yeah.

What mum doesn’t love a good swear?

To Buy

For keen gardeners who love a good forking.

To Buy

Yes, it fucking does ache!

To Buy

All those years has given your mum a big appetite.

To Buy

Celebrate her 70th in style. Her birthday should be awesome!

To Buy

Search Rusty Pencil for more funny cards.

Looking for that funny and unusual card for your 70-year-old isn’t always easy. I hope these Rusty Pencil cards will give you hope.

For other funny birthday cards for the older folks you know and love, have a peek at Rusty Pencil’s Aches & Pains range. Or perhaps the more acerbic The Suburban Killers range.

And don’t forget dear old dad either. I bet he’s up for a cheeky unusual birthday card from the Rusty Pencil mums & dads range.

Check out Rusty Pencil's blog posts about cards for 60-year-olds and 80-year-old mums .

Cheerio!