Introducing a selection of different and funny birthday cards for 60-year-olds. Lovely.
Cheerless old accountant Bob Wimblebottom from the village of Clit-by-the-sea is unable to find anything funny and laugh. Born with a rare condition called Miserable Fucker Syndrome (MFS), Bob has struggled to live a normal life.
“School was torture,” said the glum Bob. “My mates would take the piss out of each other and the teachers. Upturned drawing pins on stools, worms in lunchboxes, fireworks in satchels were everyday events. While my mates were wetting themselves over these antics, I was left nonplussed. I wanted to join in, but the joke was always lost on me.”
There is no known cure for MFS, but medical experts say that trying to live a normal life is essential.
The joy of laughter every day.
“My family tried their best with me,” said Bob. “My dad made me watch his favourite programmes, such as On The Buses and Love Thy Neighbour. I heard that they were supposed to be funny, but not once did I giggle or titter,” added the forlorn Bob.
“I have no idea what it feels like to have stomach muscles contract and relax in an uncontrollable manner and to get the high of endorphins when released, though I do remember a strange tinge of joy when I saw our local Conservative MP trip over in the pub and crack his head on a table. It could’ve been some sort of contagion as everyone in the pub was howling with laughter.”
To live a normal happy life, buy funny birthday cards.
Bob’s lack of humour has made trying to find a funny birthday card for his best friend frustrating. “The assistant at my local card shop showed me the 60th birthday cards in the humour section, but I was left numb and lifeless as if I had been forced to listen to a political party’s manifesto.
“Not only that but the cards look all the same to me. There are so many me-too cards: same captions, same ideas, same type of drawings. And they’re all rubbish. It’s a bit like sifting through a tin of Quality Street for your favourite purple one but all that’s left are the shitty ones that no one likes. It’s very depressing,”
To help with Bob’s predicament Rusty Pencil has offered to show him a select few of the more fresh and original birthday age cards on today’s market, including some of Rusty Pencil’s of course! All these funny cards can be found online.
Funny - and slightly rude - 60th birthday cards for your best friend.
First up is a card from Bold & Bright. A card from its very funny and sometimes very rude Jeffrey and Janice range. This card uses small toy props in sometimes compromising positions. The captions are occasionally very rude. This 60th card says ‘Happy 60th birthday. Here’s to smashing the shit out of it… right after that power nap.’
We asked Bob for his reaction. “This card is very nice. I like the silly toy bloke sleeping on the sofa. I think my friend Titch might like it because he’s always taking naps, usually when he comes back from the pub.”
Next up is a card from The Typecast Gallery available at thortful. It’s a retro take on the mid 1970s Sex Pistols album cover Anarchy in the UK. For all the oldies who were teens in the '70s riling against the state, or anything else for that matter, it brings back fond memories. It’s bright, cheery, and fun.
“I was a teen those days, but I was more into the James Last Orchestra. I love his rendition of Greensleeves. Fucking awesome! I think Titch will like this card though it does have a wonky font that might make his eye go funny. That’s right, he’s only got the one, so he must look after it. He does love a slice of cake and a nice cuppa if it’s got a shot of something strong in it.”
Next is a cute card from Of Life & Lemons. It’s a cheeky take on the current trend about self-identity.
“I think Titch identifies as a one-eyed angry pisshead, but he still might like this card. It’s not offensive though he does like hurling profanities at strangers in the pub and questioning their sexual orientation. But that’s the local village folk for you.”
Objectables is a fun card shop based in Folkestone. The owners Tim and Annie are constantly adding to their ranges. Their It’s Bin Ages range (geddit?) is irreverent and funny and is bound to become a classic. A funny 60th birthday card without any words. Fab.
“I like bins,” said Bob. “I’ve woken up many times in one, so I know a good bin when I see one, at least from the inside. I like this ‘cos I like bins. Titch, on the other hand, is a binman and is a bit so-so about them. Busman’s holiday and all that. Or should that be a binman’s holiday? Was that nearly a joke? I can’t tell.”
Modern Toss is more than irreverent. It comments on important social issues, such as family life, business, booze, and sex in a very rude way. It’s a bit Marmite, but Rusty Pencil likes Marmite.
“I love a good bit of swearing,” said Bob. “Titch loves swearing like a fucker too. We both entered the annual swearing competition at the local Parish Hall, but we were beaten into second place by the vicar and churchwarden on account they swore in Latin which impressed the judges.
“I think Titch might like this card. He likes doing fuck all, and drinking. Is this card funny? I can’t tell.”
Rusty Pencil 60th birthday cards are bestsellers and appeal to those who like a touch of wit as well as a bit of swearing. “I can see why people like these cards. I’m sure Titch would like the rude one. Which one is the funny one? Titch is also a little deaf though his hearing is perfect when it’s your round in the pub. Little cunt.”
Perhaps a funny card for mum or dad?
And finally, simply for the hell of it and that Rusty Pencil likes it, is a funny card from Beth Garnett. It’s not a card specifically for 60-year-olds but maybe suitable for all those oldies who slouch on the sofa like a croissant or any other form of patisserie.
“Squirrels are cheeky little buggers and sometimes very funny, like this one, though the little fuckers keep eating my fruit and veg at the allotment. Titch loves animals, sometimes a bit too intimately, having been brought up on a farm, so he might like this one.”
Poor old Bob is still without humour and without a 60th birthday card for his best mate Titch.
“I suppose I’ll do the usual and treat the little shit to a couple of bags of pork scratchings and a few pints down the pub,’ said a disconsolate Bob.
Pork scratchings and a few pints? Now, that’s a proper birthday treat. Well done Bob, you miserable fucker.
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